Part 4: Evil Grows

Mankind grew from the single seed of Adam, planted in the fertile valley of Eve, for lo, did Eve never lose her girlish figure and Adam didn’t have anything else to do, TV not having been invented yet.  So, for the days of his life, which numbered a pile more than we are allowed to live, Adam toiled in the soil and plowed his wife, such that when he died, a ripe old man, he left a thriving race of humans, yea, unto the third and fourth generation.

When Adam died, he passed on the patriarchy to Seth.  As time went on, Seth died, and was followed in turn by Enosh, Kenan, Mahalalel and Jared.  By the time of Jared, the patriarchs had become tyrants.

It all started with Adam, who had seen one of his kids die at the hands of the other.  Adam set out to ensure nobody else had to die needlessly, so enforced god’s law with an iron fist.  God, for his part, became convinced Adam finally got it, and began spending more time golfing, only pausing to check the latest sacrifice tallies.

The people were becoming weary of the morning, noon and night sacrifices, extra portions on Saturday, as it added up in a hurry, and, despite their best efforts, their sheep flocks simply were not reproducing fast enough.  Some of them resorted to offering parts of a sheep instead of a whole one, some were offering fruits and vegetables as did Cain and some were simply only offering once, at eventime, as did the ancients according to the scrolls.

A certain portion of the population got tired of the whole thing and went off to start their own little community.  These people felt that life should be an enjoyable thing, filled with comely women, enough mutton (they still did not know you could eat anything else) and enough wine, something the devil had recently shown them, a thing that lowered their cholesterol and made them jovial and mirthful rather than severe and studious as god required.

God was really, really pissed with these people, because his followers up on the hill looked down in the valley and felt like the bastard stepsister, the one not invited to the party because she is plain and tall, or, if you like, the geeky cousin who is always spilling food and drink everywhere when he’s not talking in that whiny, nasally voice of his.  Secretly, god felt this way, too, because, lo, over there was the devil and the fun people, laughing it up and having a ball and god was not able to go over there because of his pride.  He wasn’t even able to admit to himself he wanted to, and threw a shoe at Gabriel, who went off to talk to Jesus.

And the new community cast about for how to organize its daily activities and found precious stones that were pretty and that the women liked to put in their hair, and the men found the women were happier with the pretty stones than without, so began to barter for them, so the rudimentary capitalistic economy blossomed, and there was full employment and everyone had plenty to eat and didn’t have to work all day long unless they wanted to.

And this really pissed god off.  God went down to a new patriarch, Enoch, and said unto Enoch that the evil in the valley would not be countenanced and that those who engaged in it were to be shunned and that Enoch should go down there and tell them that.

Enoch was a good man in god’s eyes, and he went down to the valley and told them they were evil, and they, in a specially mirthful way with wine, laughed at him.  Enoch was beside himself with fury.  Here he had come with a message from the most high god that these brutes should clean up their act and fly right and they had merely laughed at him.

God was very angry with the people in the valley as well, and took pity on Enoch, who was now the laughing stock of everyone in the valley, so brought Enoch up to heaven for just a little bit, until he got back on his feet, but Enoch moved into the guest house and hasn’t left yet, claiming he’s just not ready.

Jesus was very upset about this because now Jesus couldn’t have girls over into the guest house without first kicking Enoch out and Enoch kept telling god on Jesus, and Jesus was tired of the lectures about settling down.  So jesus began thinking about moving out.

Part 3: Murder

Well, Adam and his wife Eve had two kids. These two kids were both boys. Adam used to sit his kids down and explain the whole plan of salvation, always prefacing it with ‘This doesn’t make sense to me, but it’s what Gabriel said.’

And the two kids were named Cain and Abel. Cain was a bit stupid. Though Adam explained over and over again that the blood of the lamb was required, as sin required blood for atonement, so that the one sacrificing could be considered sin free, (also explaining how it made no sense, but Adam had learned his lesson and told Cain, ‘you’d better do what God tells you or else!’), Cain thought it was just a gift to appease God and thought that a personal touch would be better.

Cain was a farmer. He worked the land, living out the curse God had proclaimed on Adam, that he would grow crops by his sweat. Abel was rather more lazy, choosing to be a shepherd. He spent all day sitting and watching sheep, hundreds of them, and chasing off the predators, which was easy, because God had put the fear of man into them. Cain felt that sacrificing one of Abel’s sheep was just too easy and decided to give to God the things he had worked hardest on.

Well, Abel killed and burned a lamb in the way God said it should be done, and God looked down and was pleased and said to Abel that it was ‘a sweet smell unto the LORD.’

And Cain did say, ‘Seriously, God, have you actually smelled burning lamb? The mother, Eve, burns the lamb on a regular basis and it is not a sweet smell unto me.’

And God was sore and felt petulant and went to bed early after drinking a little milk. And Cain, coming second to the family alter, placed his fruits and vegetables, nearly perfect of form and taste, on the altar of the LORD. And Jesus smelled and it was good and Jesus thought to wake God, but he knew God was in a bad mood. The vegetables and fruit cooked nicely on the coals, making a very good shish kebab. Cain was pleased with himself.

But God, being asleep, ignored Cain’s offering. Cain felt hurt because he’d put so much effort and burned up all his good fruit and vegetables that he could have made a salad, both fruit and vegetable, and maybe some cold mutton with it, if he could scrape the burned parts off, and now he had no supper, except the cold, burned mutton.

Cain hung his head and went into his room in the family tent. There, Abel tried to console him, saying, ‘perhaps if you’d done what God told Father we are to do and sacrificed one of my lambs...’

And Cain was sore wroth and said unto Abel, ‘You only want me to sacrifice one of your lambs so you can extort my good vegetables from me, which you were going to use to make mom like you better.’

And Abel became annoyed and said, ‘If you would do as I and raise sheep, we’d not have this problem, but the free market set the price for a lamb, not I.’

And Cain became wroth and said, ‘What free market? You have a monopoly on sheep because Dad won’t make you share! He makes me let everyone have vegetables, but your sheep he won’t make you share with anyone! Now shut up and let me sleep.’

About this time, God woke up to go to the bathroom. Looking down on the earth, he saw Cain going to bed. God was annoyed and knew he had to make sure early on that these people obeyed his laws, and here was Cain going to bed with no sacrifice.

So God yelled out unto Cain, ‘Wake up, Cain.’

And Cain said, ‘What?’, the call of God not being as rare then as it is now.

And God said to Cain, ‘Why are you going to sleep? You have not offered unto me a sacrifice!’

And Cain said unto God, ‘Yes, I did; I offered a sacrifice of fruits and vegetables, didn’t I, Abel?’

And Abel was still annoyed from earlier, and lo, was a brother, so said unto God, ‘No, he didn’t.’

And Cain, wroth with Abel, picked up a pottery and threw it at Abel, striking him on his head such that he died. And Cain was immediately very sorry he had done this and knew he could not bear to tell his mother, as he cradled Abel’s head, letting the blood run through his fingers.

And Jesus was aghast that this would happen and went unto God and said, ‘Cain did offer a sacrifice, a very nice shish kebab, which smelled divine.’

And God was ashamed and concerned that he had missed a sacrifice and that the child Abel had died, reducing the nascent human population by 25%. And God said unto Cain, ‘Don’t tell anyone about this. I curse you to wander the earth and you will never be able to grow anything again. Anyone who so much as comes near you will receive this curse seven times over.’

And so Cain, heartbroken, stole away in the night, never to be heard from again. God told Adam Cain was jealous of his brother’s sacrifice and killed him for it. He said Cain was scared that when people found out, they’d kill him over it, which Adam thought was odd, because there were only two other people on the whole planet, but Adam was now used to God saying things that didn’t make much sense.

And secretly, Adam thought that Abel had been asking for it, because he knew Abel, but he comforted his wife, saying, ‘We can make more children, for low, we have our whole life before us, hundreds of years.’ And they did.

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