Thursday, May 26, 2011

Part 9: Jehovah strikes back again

And behold, the lord god paced, muttering under his breath. He kept going on about Zeus and Rah and that so-and-so Odin. Jesus came into the room at this time, looking for his thingy, that he’d put just there, you know the one, and heard god.

“God almighty,” Jesus said, “why are you in such a bad mood?”

God turned around and glared at Jesus. “Damn Zeus and all his. Damn Odin. Damn Rah.”

“What did they do?” Jesus asked.

“Well, Odin came to earth for reasons I don’t know, but probably at the request of the damn devil. Loki, Hel and Thor are here for sure, others maybe. Zeus got curious and came here, right into the middle of the stupid Serrun-D’La that Rah has been chasing all over the known universe. That moron Cronus got in a fight with Zeus!” Jehovah slammed his fist in his hand, wincing slightly.

“A war between mortal and god? That hasn’t happened since the devil fought you!”

“Ah, you bring that up every chance you get, don’t you? Have you nothing else to discuss?”

“Well, who won?”

“I went down there and tried to stop it. I was very angry with Zeus for coming here in the first place, and this Cronus guy presented me with an opportunity. I went and fashioned some weapons for his minions, you know, thunder, lightning, invisibility, that sort of thing, and they turned on me, Jesus!” god turned around, the anger clearly evident on his face. His voice turned whiny. “They looked me in the eye, thanked me, and gave the weapons to Zeus, who really had no power on this world. Two of Zeus’ minions got weapons too. Zeus made them gods!”

Jesus almost snorted at this. “Gods? How?”

“I don’t know. Apparently the Elysian Fields allow for the promotion of mortals to deities. And, get this: their deities are not omnipotent, not even Zeus!”

Jesus looked incredulous. “What? So, why didn’t you just destroy them and be done with it?”

“Well, I went to do that, you know, prepared to use the Word of the Lord, when Odin showed up.”

“Odin! I heard he was around. So, how is the Allfather?” Jesus only asked because he knew it annoyed Jehovah.

“Oh, just fantastic. He came to me and told me that he would not stand for any interference in the actions of another polity. Then he stood off and watched.”

“Watched? He didn’t do anything? Was Thor there?”

“No. Zeus and Thor don’t get along. Zeus doesn’t appreciate being compared to Thor, a lower god and Thor doesn’t like being compared to ‘that pansy Zeus’.”

“Ah. So, what happened to Rah? Didn’t he do anything?”

“Rah and Atum were there. They just stood there. Atum was gently swaying and shading his eyes against the light. He sort of winced resignedly at every noise. Rah had a maniacal giggle every time his charges lost ground and seemed positively gleeful when Zeus killed the Titans and chased the rest off the planet. Rah is gone now, something about relieved to not have to mess with this planet anymore. Atum is hanging around for some reason.”

“I know the reason. The devil throws great parties.”

“Don’t ever speak of that again! I will deal with the devil soon enough. For now, we have to figure out why not one, but two major dieties are sniffing around our planet”

“Well, at least it’s a bit of a relief to have Rah gone.”

“But he didn’t leave quickly enough. Some of my humans are telling the legend of Rah and elaborating a pantheon based on him and some of those damnable Serrun-D’La, which they’re now calling ‘Titans’, at least the original ones. The ones that joined Zeus he’s made his minions, and then gone and set up shop on Mount Olympus. Now humans are worshipping him too instead of me.”

“So, what are you going to do?” Jesus was hoping this conversation would wrap up so he could go do something else. He would think of what that important thing was as soon as he could get out of here.

“I don’t know exactly. I think we have to brand them all as evil. I’m thinking of this ‘Jealous God’ angle where I convince them I know what’s best for them and won’t brook them talking to any other god. I also think we can run a ‘there’s only one god’ program. I’ve got people looking into it, but I think we can make people both avoid other gods and be convinced they don’t exist.” God was positively beaming, as if all his problems were solved.

“Well, um, ok, then, good luck with that, uh, then, yeah,” Jesus said, getting up. “I gotta go.”

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