And god went unto the earth and did smack some people around such that, in the Levant, the scribes wrote the things he said they should write, the things about the greatness of god and the things about his jealousy, how he had created the earth, and the evil of the devil, for lo, if thou removest the letter ‘d’ from devil, thou hast ‘evil’, something the scribes simply left out, for such puns do not translate well, and, rather than writing the books in English, the language of the gods, they wrote it in Hebrew and Aramaic, the languages of men.
And Zeus and Odin did walk amongst men, and many did they lead astray, the followers of Zeus to a life of reasoning and morally upright effort, and a fondness for little boys to leaven the righteousness, and the followers of Odin to fight amongst themselves for the long ages until the Irish should grow to be a sufficiently large plum to pluck. The bible makes no mention of either of these, focusing on the other minor deities that were to be a pain in the butt for Jehovah, many of which this text will mention.
And, behold, did god keep the men in the dark about science or technology, the lesson embellished on the person of Rah by the Serrun-D’La, and the deeds of Lucifer being fresh in his mind, how mortals had fought a god. He told man that faith was the greatest virtue and that simple faith was evidence of strength of character, that man would stand in the knowledge of god, not bending nor breaking, knowing come what may, the anchor of faith will defend man against any onslaught by the forces of darkness.
And while all of this was coming to pass, god was not watching, and man was getting into trouble. Noah, the patriarch of the remaining humans, had planted a vineyard. He was getting old and needed a hobby. He whiled the time away puttering around in his field checking up on the grapes, shooing away the crows and generally being a crotchety old man.
When the grapes were ripe, he made his kids pick them and his daughters-in-law stomp them out. Six months later he had some low grade wine. He celebrated by drinking most of it, then passing out naked in his tent.
And Ham was kind of slow. He was out avoiding his wife and decided to stop by Noah’s tent. He opened the flap and saw Noah, passed out naked on his bed. He ran outside to tell his other brothers. Ham was kind of excitable and liked to share everything. He just knew his wife would yell at him about this, but he had to tell someone.
He found Shem and Japheth sitting in a field watching the sheep. “Shem, Japheth! I saw dad naked in his tent! It was disgusting!”
“Hold on now,” Shem said. “Dad was naked?”
“Yeah,” Ham said, doubled over and gathering his breath. “Naked as the day he was born, on his bed, drunk.”
“Well, we better go cover him up,” said Japheth. “Ham, stay here and watch the sheep.”
So Shem and Japheth went unto Noah, took a blanket and covered him up. “Crazy old fart,” Japheth said unto Shem, and they thought nothing more of it.
Later that evening, Noah woke up to rumors that he had been caught drunk and naked. The rumors said Ham had seen him and told his brothers, and now everyone knew.
And Noah cried out unto god and said, “O, Lord, knowest though not that they must see thee as a patriarch of patriarchs, yet they respect me not, the earthly patriarch? Seest thou not that they even now snicker about my nakedness!”
And the lord god thought to himself that this made a modicum of sense. So the lord god called down to Noah and said unto him, “Curse Ham for seeing thy nakedness and bless Shem and Japheth for covering thee up. I will prevail upon the scribes that they write down that Shem and Japheth sawest not thy nakedness. We all know Ham’s family isn’t going anywhere fast anyway.”
So, it was so. Noah called all his family unto him and said, “Cursed is Ham, for he has seen me naked. Ham’s children and his children’s children and his children’s children’s children unto the end of time shall forever serve both of his brothers and their children and their children’s children and their children’s children’s children unto the end of time. Oh, and Shem shall rule over everyone because he is the first born.”
And Ham cried out and said, “Not fair! I only stumbled into his tent! He’s just an ancient drunken fart!”
And everyone thought Ham was rude to say that to the old man’s face, and everyone else was pretty happy with the arrangement and Ham’s descendants were not very good at arguing, being much better at feasting, which they fell to with much gusto. And thus did the ruling class learn to distract the working class with feasts, chuckling to themselves.
So the beginning of the plan was established, that god was the patriarch of patriarchs and that his patriarch on earth was to be obeyed and respected at all times.
And this was when the great cities of old were started. Nimrod, in particular, made himself king over many cities, one being Babel, in the plain of Shinar. As humans are wont to do, they set about improving their lot. In those days, the devil walked amongst man as a man, not a snake, so that he may commune with man. The devil was always trying to make friends and have fun.
Well, the humans set to improving their lot, as I said was their wont. They made bricks, first out of mud, which allowed substantial houses, not bothered by wind or water or fire. During a fire, they discovered that the dried out brick was so much stronger, so they began making ever better ‘fired’ brick, using local slime as mortar. They found they could make taller and taller buildings.
As time progressed, with some help from the devil, they began to work out the secrets of geometry and engineering, constructing ever more lofty edifices. At one point, a bunch of people got together to see just how tall they could make their building. There was a girls’ hostel a few hundred yards away, with a high wall, and they felt that if the building was tall enough, they could see naked sunbathers. They knew they could never get that past the building inspector, so they said they wanted to make a tall tower to feel closer to god and to unite all people under one banner.
That sort of thing always sells, so the god tower was started. It snowballed out of control. Pretty soon people were coming from all over to donate time, money and construction materiel to the god tower. Using fired brick, the tower pretty much had to be a ziggurat, roughly pyramidal in shape, so each fresh donation allowed the tower to be that much bigger. Pretty soon, the base of the tower got so big that the girls’ hostel had to be moved to make room for it. This angered the original architects very much, and they quit in disgust.
And the lord looked down one day, taking a break from his excruciatingly busy schedule of golf, billiards and whiskey, and saw the tower being built. “Hold the phone,” he said, handing the phone to Jesus, “What are they up to down there?”
So the lord took a trip to earth and walked around the tower. He came as a tourist, as there were tourists all over. He walked up to the top of the tower, which kept getting higher as they piled more bricks on it, and looked around. The lord was also disappointed they had to move the girls’ hostel.
And then the lord went down and saw the make-shift buildings around the base of the tower. And the lord got curious and went in unto one of them and saw the elderly teaching the young the principles of geometry and engineering. He saw the elderly and the young alike thinking and discussing the natural world and how to exploit and improve upon it. And the lord became afraid.
And the lord was sore angry because he remembered the things before the flood, how the people had come to ignore him because they thought him demanding, annoying and a prude, and how it all started when men began to think too much for themselves. So the lord said to himself, “now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.”
And the lord remembered also the fate of Rah, how his charges had become so advanced in the knowledge of the natural world they had lost all interest in following their deity. And the lord also remembered that one of the reasons he had created this stupid planet in the first place was to prove that a group of mortals could be led to follow his law and that following that law would make their lives better, and, here, right here in the Plain of Shinar, was growing proof of the bullshit of it. The lord, being a true believer in his law, could not countenance any proof to the contrary.
So, god thought a bit and figured out that if the elderly spoke a different language from the young, they would not be able to impart the knowledge. And, if the bricklayers spoke a different language from the brick makers, they would get all screwed up and quit. So the lord went to earth and smote the people such that they spoke different languages and made them angry so they fought constantly because they could not understand each other. Also, out of spite, the lord blew up their stupid little tower, saying unto the scribes it was really being built to be a safe haven from a flood, and the scribes, knowing the lord, did not mention that the lord had already basically sworn never to flood the earth again, and, besides, this stupid little tower wasn't nearly tall enough to protect against the sort of flood god was likely to use.
So the people left Babel, which is become synonymous with confusion, and founded the other great civilizations. Behold, the Buddha led his people into China, Shiva and Vishnu into India, and Romulus and Remus into Europe, and so on. Some stayed behind, the sons of Shem, to become what we call the Semites.
And, behold, the lord found the Semites pliable. In an unbroken chain, did the patriarchs proceed from Shem, even unto Terah. And, behold, the devil was pissed with god and was on him like stink so that everywhere god went to work amongst his people, the devil was there to undo all god’s work. And god fought with the devil constantly, and god kept control of the scribes, so that the things written about the battle were all in god’s favor.
And where the devil and god did not contest, religions of peace and love did abound, leaving most of humanity under the banner of some sort of eastern philosophy, such that only a tiny few came to know the saving knowledge of god and thus attain heaven, and the council of the most high, fearing how that looked to other elder gods, did order god to allow the other religions whatever heaven they felt they needed, which did sore piss off god, as he was counting on the fact that his law was the only way to heaven as a cudgel to convince people to follow the law. In a stroke of brilliance, however, he realized that he only had to set up the heavens; he didn't have to tell anyone about them, and thus has many a Buddhist arrived in some small part of heaven, very confused about the nature of Nirvana.
Anyway, time passed and this other patriarch showed up, named Terah. Apparently, nothing of note happened between Shem and Terah, or, just as likely, the records have been destroyed. Anyway, God told Terah to leave Ur, a place where the parties happened and the devil had gained a foothold. Terah was not really into god, but Abram, his son, was. Abram convinced Terah to leave, but couldn’t convince his brother Nahor, who would rather stay where there was good company, good wine, and plentiful food. Terah was an old man who never partied any way, so didn’t care.
Now, they went to Haran, a place they named after the father of Lot, Abram’s nephew. The relationship is too confusing to explain here, and why they named it Haran doesn’t make any sense, but there it is. Anyway, Terah died in Haran.
And behold, even in Haran, did the devil follow the lord like flies to a birthday party and the lord decided that even Haran had become too worldly and his elect were in danger of becoming corrupted by the devil, so he instructed Abram to leave Haran. Now that Terah was dead, he was to depart into the land of Canaan, where the descendants of Ham lived.
Now, we have to remember that even in the Levant, under the constant shepherding of the great shepherd, as the Christians call him, the elect were a tiny few compared to the great unwashed masses that followed the likes of Moloch or Baal, or just didn't give a shit, like most people today.
Abram went unto Sichem in the plain of Moreh, and climbed the mountain Beth-el, where he met the lord. The lord came down and said unto Abram, “I’m going to give this land, all you can see from here, to you and your descendants.”
So Abram built an altar unto the lord. Every day Abram sacrificed to the lord and every day it grew drier and then the day came that he no longer could feed and water his flocks completely. He begged the lord at the altar one last time, but no answer was forthcoming.
The lord had gone back to heaven and gotten involved in a prolonged Cricket match that went on for days, and, as a day is as a thousand years in the eyes of god, he missed the fact that the very land he’d just given to Abram was in famine now.
Abram, realizing he was on his own, packed up and went to Egypt. Abram had heard the stories from the other patriarchs of the spotty nature of the god almighty, not to mention the complete irrationality of much of what the lord said. Abram, however, had grown very rich doing what god told him, as per the covenant explained by the patriarchs. So, Abram got along as best he could.
Now, Abram was a complete mercenary, only following god because of the material gain, and was a cheat and a liar besides. He had a wife that had been very beautiful, as most total bastards do (or did or whatever), and when he went to Egypt, he was afraid of the Pharaoh and the other Egyptians, worried that they would try to steal his wife, being somewhat aged, mildly potty and clearly still smitten with her.
So, he took his wife aside and said, “I am afraid Pharaoh will try to steal you. The easiest way for him to do this is to kill me. So I will tell them you are my sister, which is only a half lie because you are my half sister.”
And Sarai, his wife, was flattered that her husband thought her, a seventy year old woman, desirable enough that the Egyptians would kill her husband to get her, although she was angered that he would not stand up for her. However, she had been around enough patriarchs to not expect too much, so she said, “Ok. I will tell them I am your sister.”
So, when they were in Egypt, they told everyone they were siblings, although they had to say ‘brother and sister’ because the word ‘sibling’ hadn’t been invented yet.
Now, when Abram drove his cattle into Egypt, the Egyptians saw him as a great prince. They went unto Pharaoh and told him that a new prince had come into the land, with a sister, and that maybe an alliance could be possible. So the Pharaoh did call Sarai unto him, and wine her, and dine her, and offer his hand in marriage. The Pharaoh lived in a state of polygamy, so she would be just another wife.
Now, when Pharaoh’s servants arrived with the gifts of cattle, sheep, oxen, asses, manservants and maidservants, and even camels, Abram became afraid, for he feared the loss of his wife. So he ran outside and knelt down and begged the lord god almighty for aid in his dire need.
And the lord, about to retire a side, was sore pissed to be pulled away from his cricket game, as his team had to forfeit and thus lost a rung on the tournament. So god, in a foul mood, heard Abram’s plea, and became concerned that Abram might decide he had been negligent about the famine thing, so decided to make sure Abram thought god would always be on his side. So god struck the Egyptians with plagues in punishment for messing with Abram’s wife.
And Pharaoh, being that he was considered a god himself, had the ear of Atum, and spoke unto Atum and asked him what the deal was, and Atum asked Zeus and Zeus asked Odin and Odin asked Thor and Thor asked Loke and Loke asked Hel and Hel asked the devil what was up. The devil went in secret unto Jesus, who told him all about the Cricket game, and the famine, and that god was over-reacting. And the devil, concerned that there were way too many tongues between him and the Pharaoh, and that the story would get all messed up, like in that game we all played in gradeschool, the devil did go unto Pharaoh and said unto him, “Abram is a follower of the lord god almighty, who is kind of an a-hole. He screwed up and now he blames everyone but himself, and since he can’t punish Abram without making Abram think just maybe this mess is god’s fault in the first place, as god promised him a land that is dry as a cinder, which is something odd for the almighty god to promise. Anyway, we’ve thought it through, and you ought to just send some presents to Abram, act really contrite, explain you had no idea what was up, and kick Abram out of the country.”
And the Pharaoh did so, explaining to Abram that it was nothing personal, but that he couldn’t run the risk of offending Abram’s god. And god was sore vexed about that, but didn’t think it was worth messing with, as Atum was an elder god and there was an uneasy truce between the council of the most high and the elder gods. The lord did not figure out that the devil had been the one to give the advice.
So, Abram went unto Beth-el once more, and god ended the famine, and Abram’s herds grew. And Abram’s nephew Lot was enriched by being near Abram, and Lot became concerned because his herds were now so large that there was not enough room for both of them. So Lot went to Abram and told him the problem.
Lot said unto Abram, “Behold, our herdsmen strive against one another, fighting for the best places to tend the flocks. I am concerned we may see war.”
And Abram said, “There’s no reason for us to fight; the whole land of Canaan was promised to us, so just pick a spot and I’ll move the other way.”
So stunned was Lot at the reasonableness of the answer that he had to go think a bit, and while thinking, he happened to spy the Jordan valley. Lot’s wife had been pestering him to move to a city anyway, and the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were in the Jordan valley. The Jordan valley was pretty much nothing but green in that time, and there was plenty of land to tend flocks on. Of course, over-grazing is why the area became desert, but that is something that belongs in the realm of science, and Lot moved into the Jordan valley on faith alone.
Now, Lot didn’t want to live in the city, but he was being nice to his wife, so he pitched his tent near the city so she could go there whenever she wanted. She loved the nightlife in the city, and the shopping too, and was often in there until late at night. She would come home and tell Lot, “I hate so much that I have to leave the city at night and come here. You know it is not safe in the city and it is even less safe outside the city. Can we get an apartment that I can stay in overnight there?”
And Lot felt sorry for her so got her a rather regal apartment. It was so large that he found himself there rather more often than not. Eventually, Lot moved there himself. And thus did Lot and his wife and children become corrupt.
Now, Sodom was so full of, well, sodomy, that they named the city after the behavior. Sodom was not any worse than any other city of that time, being about the same as Ninevah. Gomorrah was a worse city, with a higher crime rate and worse schools, but there was less sodomy.
And the lord came to Abram, concerned that he might follow Lot into possessing an apartment in the den of iniquity known as Sodom, and the lord said unto Abram, “You haven’t seen the entire land I’ve promised to you. Head over to Mamre in Hebron and see what it is like there.”
And Abram, accustomed to the whims of the lord, and knowing which side of the bread his butter was on, did pack up and depart for Mamre, in Hebron, after dispatching a message to Lot to that effect.
Well, the messenger came upon a war. See, a king by the name of Chedorlaomer and a bunch of his friends had been in control of the whole area, and Sodom and Gomorrah, among other cities, had been paying tribute to this guy. Well, the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah, Bera and Birsha respectively, finally decided they were strong enough to throw Chedorlaomer off their back, so they allied with a bunch of other cities and the war was on.
Chedorlaomer went ahead and laid waste to much of the Jordan valley, smashing the combined army handily. They sacked Sodom and Gomorrah and killed off all the Amelekites, whoever they were. They took Lot and his family prisoner. The kings of Sodom and Gomorrah went and hid.
The messenger went running back to Abram and told him what had happened. Abram went and prayed to his god, saying “See, I have to go attack these people and get my nephew back. He’s a good boy and owes me some money. Besides, who will my children’s children marry if he’s not around? I know he’s no patriarch, but many people see him as one of yours.”
And the lord was persuaded, although he was beginning to think that Abram was going to the patriarch well too often in his arguments, and the lord said unto Abram, “Go get him. Tell him to leave Sodom. Take all the stuff and give it back except for a tithe, that I owe Melchizadek,” because the lord was always working an angle like that, figuring he could pay Melchizadek out of the proceeds from Sodom and the Sodomites would still like him.
So Abram gathered all his men together that he could spare, and found Chedorlaomer and his men partying. They fell on the army and nearly wiped them out, pursuing them all the way to Dan, who was kind of annoyed with the noise.
And Abram took the stuff and went to Sodom, where the king met him and said, “Thanks a lot. You’re a real lifesaver. Tell you what, give us our people back, especially our womenfolk, and you can keep the booty,” thinking that was a very generous offer, and since he had no bargaining chips in the game.
Abram surprised him by saying, “I’ll give you everything but 10% which we call a tithe which we owe to god, and that goes to king Melchizadek of Salem, the priest of the most high god.”
And, as god predicted, the king of Sodom was overjoyed, and there was great feasting that night. And Abram went to Melchizadek, and Melchizadek threw another party and said, “Abram, you must be the favorite of god, for here you slew the most powerful king in this area. Why do you keep nothing for yourself?”
And Abram answered and said unto Melchizadek, “Behold, I have everything a man could ever need, so much stuff it is a pain to keep track of. Yet god continues to enrich me. It is enough that my relatives live. Besides, god told me not to, so that no one would say that this battle made me rich.”
Now, Abram was increasingly vexed because his wife was barren. God kept meaning to get to fixing that, but it never seemed to happen. Even a deity, who has to but speak and it is so, may procrastinate.
And god also felt that the covenant between him and Abram was not formalized. He was concerned there’d be lots more battles and stuff, and this heir thing was bothering him, and he thought that maybe if they’d just get this settled, they could get on with the grand plan.
So he dragged Abram out into the field, with a heifer, a goat, a ram, a turtledove and a pigeon. Several young men cursed Abram’s name trying to catch the turtledove and the pigeon. And in the field Abram sliced the bigger animals in half, spreading them apart to make a sort of grisly path, but didn’t split the birds. Abram had the very devil of a time keeping the carrion eaters off the carcasses. He was so exhausted that when god finally showed up, he was asleep.
God made lemonade and entered Abram’s dreams, saying “I’m going to make your children as the sands of the sea. I give you this land, from the Nile to the Euphrates. All the people in these lands will I drive out. It’s all yours. All you have to do is have faith.”
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