Sarai was concerned. God had promised Abram an heir and had not delivered. She pestered Abram over and over again until finally Abram took Hagar, Sarai’s personal servant and close friend as a concubine, a fancy word for a mistress your wife knows about, and Hagar right off became pregnant.
Sarai was very angry. She hated Hagar for making it seem so easy. She hated Abram, blaming him somehow for making Hagar pregnant, as if it was Abram’s fault or in any way in his power. She hated god for not having gotten her pregnant soon enough for her to not have gotten in this silly scheme.
So she went and yelled at Abram for six or seven hours, and Abram finally said, “She’s your damn servant, you take care of it. I’m tired of hearing about it.”
So Sarai went in and started yelling at Hagar, and so meanly did she yell that Hagar left. She ran into the wilderness. She became so lost she feared for her life. At the very end of her thirst, she stumbled on a fountain and drank her fill.
Now Sarai became worried that Abram might not have an heir, and went in unto Abram and said unto him, “Beseech the lord thy god for us, for thy heir is even now perishing in the wilderness where that women has taken her womb.”
So Abram went in unto his prayer tent and sought the lord. He got Jesus, who was running the switchboard that night. Abram explained unto Jesus the predicament and how the heir might be dead. And Jesus thought to himself that maybe this was the heir god had wanted, so decided to handle it all himself.
So Jesus called Gabriel, the dog, and said unto him, “Go down to the earth and find this Hagar. Tell her to be good and do what his wife wants because if she doesn’t god will be very upset. Tell her that god will make her children as the sands of the sea, they will possess all the land and all the other stuff.”
Gabriel, who had a very good memory, left and went to the fountain where Hagar was found, weeping. And Gabriel, concerned, asked her what the problem was, after licking her face.
“I have left my home because the drama is too much to bear. I’d rather die than let that witch raise my child as her own,” seethed Hagar, her sorrow turning to anger.
“But god has promised to make your children as the sands of the sea, to rule all this land, and all that. To get that, you have to go back and submit to Sarai. I promise all will be well.”
“Why can’t god make it all good without my having to go back there?”
“Because, behold, you know, that Abram is the father of promise, and if your child is to be a patriarch, he must be raised by the previous patriarch.”
“Well, ok, I guess.” And with that, Hagar went back, happy at the prospect of her son’s success.
Jesus did enter the episode into the log that the lord had demanded be kept, in an effort to make the organizational structure of heaven more effective, and to track which people he was helping and which he was hurting. And god read the log a few days later, when he had some time, and came thundering into Jesus’ room in heaven.
“You idiot!” god bellowed.
Jesus was scratching Gabriel right behind the ear, right there, where he liked it, where it made his leg twitch. “What did I do?” he asked.
“You promised everything to that spawn of the devil!”
“What spawn of the devil?”
“You know, the one growing in Hagar’s belly!”
“Um, that’s the spawn of Abram, the child of promise...”
“No, he’s NOT!” God started pacing, the fury red in his face, balling his hands into a fist, then conscientiously unclenching them.
“You promised Abram an heir. This is his first-born male son, therefore an heir,” Jesus said smugly.
“NO! I promised Abram AND SARAI an heir! I promised both of them an heir. This child is from a union proving Sarai’s lack of faith!”
“Well, you got to write this stuff down. That last memo said that the patriarch was the first born male son.”
“Well, it’s never come up before.” God was calming down a bit.
“So, I guess this kid is it then?”
“No! I promised Abram and Sarai an heir. I have to teach them a lesson about faith. We have to figure something else out. In the mean time, I better get that woman’s pipes unstopped.”
“Ok. Let me know.” Jesus was back to scratching Gabriel already. “Oh, and update that damn memo. We’re not mind readers, you know.”
So, God went off and spoke the word and Sarai’s pipes were unstopped. And God ran down to earth and entered Abram’s dream again and said unto him, “I will make you a great nation. Your children will be as the sands of the sea. I told you this. You and Sarai. Why do you not believe me?”
Abram said, “I’m sorry; the wife pestered me.”
And god replied and said unto him, “I’ve heard that one before.”
And god stood to his full height, and then some, as his platform shoes were the bomb, diggety, and said unto Abram, “You will keep my covenant from here on. As a sign, and a reminder, you will circumcise the foreskin of every male in your camp. Anyone who is not circumcised is not part of the promise.
“And your wife’s name is no longer Sarai, but Sarah. This is the new name of the covenant where she learns to have faith and follow me. And your name is now Abraham, the father of many nations. You will introduce yourself as Abraham everywhere, to show faith that you will have a child.
“And that child that is coming, to Hagar, you shall call Ishmael. I’m going to make him into a great nation, as well, just not here. He and his shall be my people and I shall be their god, but they are not the children of promise through which the great ruler will come.
“Next year around this time you will have a child and you will name him Isaac. He will be the child of promise. God, out.”
So, Abram, er, Abraham, went home and had himself and all the males over the age of 8 circumcised, which was met with much complaining, but he explained that god, the god who gave them all the riches they had, had demanded it. And the women laughed a bit, then started complaining when the men were too sore to do anything, and the sex stopped for months. So bad was it that Abraham and Sarah nearly did not conceive at the appointed time.
Now, Ishmael was born very soon after god spoke to Abraham. Sarah became very angry again, but kept it to herself. Hagar had been told of the new covenant, and that Ishmael was to be hers and hers alone, and she was content. She had gotten her very wish.
So, back to Lot. Lot had been spending most of his time in Sodom these days, leaving the day to day operations of his holdings to a manservant of his. Such was the increase in wealth he had that he felt he could safely live off it in a life of ease. He’d even met the devil at a party a time or two and thought the devil a nice guy. He’d started talking to Abraham about the devil, and the lord got wind of this.
“Jesus, what the heck are we gonna do?” god was pacing again.
“I don’t know, what do we normally do when the devil gets near a patriarch?”
“Well, we sort of kill, maim and pillage until the patriarch runs away.”
“Well, Abraham thinks Lot is a fine young man. If we kill Lot, Abraham may change his mind about us.”
“Hmm. Well, how about we go warn Lot and get him out of Sodom and then level the place. And, while we’re at it, we can destroy Gomorrah, too.”
“Why Gomorrah?”
“They’re sort of a package deal. If we destroy Sodom, everyone will wonder why we didn’t destroy Gomorrah and vice versa.”
“But what about Nineveh? What about the other cities?”
“Well, we can deal with them later. I think people won’t lump them together like they do with Sodom and Gomorrah.”
“Ok, let’s do it.”
God stopped pacing, resolve firming his features. “I’ll take Gabriel, and, I don’t know, Michael, down to talk to Abraham, then to Lot.”
“You never take me,” Jesus pouted, but was ignored by the retreating back of the almighty.
Now, Abraham was out sitting in the heat of the day and hadn’t had enough water and was feeling feverish, and slipped into sleep. God came unto him in the flesh this time, and had to wake him up.
“Um, hello,” Abraham said. “Can I offer you some water, a little shade, maybe?”
God said, “Yes, please.”
So Abraham got up and got Sarah to get some water and start baking a little bread for his guests, and came back out to them.
God said to Abraham, “So, remember, you will have a child next year.”
And Sarah, being decrepit, did laugh, saying to herself, “How will I, in my dotage, have a child? And why would I want to?”
And the lord was wroth, but strove not to show it. How dare the little lady even say she didn’t want the kid? God had spent so much time, well, a few seconds, anyway, granting her this miracle, and she was acting as if she didn’t even want it.
So the lord said unto Sarah, “Is anything too hard for the almighty? You will have the child.”
And, to Abraham, he said, “And, oh, yeah, I’m going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.”
And Abraham was concerned god had forgotten that Lot lived there, so thought to make a deal with god. “Well, would you destroy the righteous with the wicked?”
God, intrigued, said, “Of course not. I would never do that.”
“Well, what if there’s fifty righteous in the city? Would you destroy it then?”
God wondered what Abraham was getting at. Abraham had never so much as discussed anything with him before. This was odd. So, curious, god said, “I won’t destroy the city for fifty.”
“Well, what if there’s twenty? Would you destroy it then?”
“I won’t destroy it for fifty. I won’t destroy it for twenty.”
“Please, don’t be angry,” Abraham said, because god looked angry. “Would you destroy it for ten?”
“I won’t destroy it for fifty. I won’t destroy it for twenty. I won’t destroy it for ten. But I tell you, Abraham, I do not like Sodom and Gomorrah, I do not like it one bit.” God began to feel like a character in a Dr. Seuss tale. He also knew, including Lot, that there were fewer than six righteous in the city.
Abraham became still, as he was certain that there were more than ten righteous in the city and that he had saved his nephew. They ate in silence after that.
At length, god got up and said, “I will make your children as the sands of the sea. I will make you the ruler of the world.” There was more, but Abraham had started to tune this speech out whenever god made it.
And the scribes write that we should be always careful to entertain strangers because some have entertained angels unawares, which is an odd thing to say, because there was only one angel, the other two being god and a dog, respectively, and there is no known incidence of a human entertaining an angel unaware, given that Abraham was absolutely certain who it was once the fog of sleep had lifted from his mind. One wanders where these proverbs that slip in come from, whether they are merely adornment, or if some stupid priest or rabbi or whatever simply wanted an excuse for a free meal.
And god went back to heaven and let Gabriel and Michael journey on to Sodom. Lot saw them coming and perceived them for what they were, angels of the lord god almighty, well, a dog and an angel, but Lot knew that not. Thus did Lot not entertain them unaware, er, he entertained them but not unaware. And Lot was ashamed and not a little worried about being caught in the den of iniquity, and the orgy was that night. So he ran out to greet them and insisted they come with him to his house for the night.
They replied, “No, we will sleep in the street.”
“But it is not safe!” Lot lied, hoping to scare them into his house.
“It’s ok; we’re set,” the angels said. And, yes, I know it was an angel and a dog, but the scribes all wrote that it was two angels, which is pretty much how Lot saw it, so we'll just let it drop and call them angels.
Lot, scared, said “Come on, I’ll give you a good meal and wake you up in the morning and you can be on your way.”
The angels argued a bit more, but Lot persuaded them, and, let’s face it, nobody really wants to sleep in the street.
Now, the orgy started, and the men of Sodom were ecstatic, and the women even more so, and they came to Lot’s house and asked if maybe Lot and his new guests wanted to come out and play.
Lot was worried that his guests would wander out, so he turned and told them, “The crowd out there is demanding that I send you out to be raped. Here, I’ll send my two virgin daughters out to pacify them!”
And his daughters were ecstatic for Lot had refused to let them join the orgies, but here was their lucky day, and they moved to go out the door, but the angels pulled Lot back in and sealed the door with the heavenly seal, and cast a spell of blindness on those outside, which cause much furor amongst the pretty but no end of relief amongst the ugly.
And Michael and Gabriel slept the night in Lot’s house, satisfied that their host was righteous. In the morning, they got up early and went in unto Lot and said, “Get up, get your family and run to the hills.” The hills was the preferred place for god’s people to live.
Lot, however, didn’t like the hills. “Please, let me go to a city rather than the hills. I don’t think we can make the hills in a hurry.”
“Ok, go to Zoar, but be quick. Don’t stop, slow down or even look back,” Michael and Gabriel put on their most severe faces, which didn't work so well because Gabriel was trying to get a pernicious flea out of his fur using his hind paw.
Then they shot up to heaven and god prepared the fire and brimstone while Lot, his wife and his two still virgin daughters left Sodom and ran to Zoar. Lot’s wife, naturally, was very pissed, and kept up a constant nattering behind Lot, saying “I can’t believe you believe them. Why destroy Sodom? It’s such a nice city? Zoar is a little pit stain. I can’t believe we’ll be saying we’re from Zoar.” And so on.
After a bit, Lot’s wife became convinced that nothing was going to happen. She’d been looking back surreptitiously for some time now, and had fallen all the way to the back of their little caravan. Finally, she caught up with Lot and said, “Look back there, the city still stands! It has been simply hours in the hot sun, running for our lives, and the city is fine! What were these angels playing at?”
Lot said, “I will not look back. One thing I’ve learned from Uncle Abram, er, Abraham is no matter how stupid a rule god has given is, violating it brings swift punishment. It may seem foolish to even consider that the city is going away, but this god destroyed the whole earth with a flood and killed thousands at Babel. I will keep running for my life.” It was quite a lot Lot said while running, and he was quite out of breath when done.
But Lot’s wife knew better than Lot so turned at the exact moment the lord god almighty started throwing around the brimstone, and he saw her, and she saw that he saw her, and he threw out his finger, the middle one, and she turned to salt. Were it raining regular water, nobody would ever know, and, as it was, if it hadn’t happened in front of Lot’s daughters, Lot would have never known, so dedicated was he to not looking back.
His daughters were sore distraught. They cried the rest of the way to Zoar. All that was left of their little family were Lot and the two young virgin girls. They became concerned that there would never be any more of Lot’s line.
While they were worrying about that in Zoar, Abraham was staring at the horizon in the direction of Sodom and Gomorrah, a big grin on his face for outsmarting the almighty. His grin shattered as the smoke rose up. He sank back into his chair and began to wait for news of his nephew.
And the devil wept. The tears of the devil were as nothing compared to the brimstone of god. It is said the smoke of Sodom and Gomorrah was leavened with the steam of the tears of the devil. After the destruction, the devil once again sought out Loke and once again poured out his heart to Loke, Thor and Odin. Thor was only restrained by the wiles of Sif from attempting to kill the almighty outright. Dark days those were in Valhalla.
Zeus, from Olympus, looked on with puzzlement. He went to Atum and asked of the destruction, what a pair of cities could get up to that would warrant that sort of thing. Atum did not know, but was certain that they must eat babies or some other equally horrendous thing. Zeus became more than a little concerned when he found out that Sodom, in particular, had been destroyed for exactly the sort of thing his Greeks got up to all the time. Fortunately, this deity ‘the almighty god’ only seemed interested in destroying areas where his pets might be found enjoying themselves, so Greece was safe, for the time being.
And word was sent from Zoar to Abraham that Lot was safe, and Abraham fell on his face and thanked the lord, with the relief that comes from stopping banging one’s head on a piece of wood.
And Lot’s daughters, worried that there would be no male heirs, did get their father drunk and take turns on him. Getting him drunk was not hard, given how distraught he was at the loss of, well, everything, and he was seldom sober anyway. They both became pregnant from him, the eldest bearing Moab, the father of the Moabites, which show up later in this story, and the younger bearing Ben-ammi, the father of the Ammonites, which show up later in this story as well.
I should point out that the oldest virgin ever in Sodom was all of twelve, and was a stick figure of a geeky boy. This means Lot's kids, even if they were raised with a stern hand on the switch, would have been maybe ten when they decided to get a child by their dad. Given that this bit may have happened as much as a year after the destruction, we're looking at perhaps eleven and twelve.
We’re done with Lot and his family for now.
And god did spend a day staring off into space, wondering at his creation. Here were two perfectly normal young girls who had raped their father to get him some boy children so his line could continue. Did they not have any faith in their god? And there was Lot, disconsolate at the loss of that wife of his that had brought him such misfortune, just like that idiot Adam and his current thorn, Abraham. Why were men so easily misled by women? And why did women never, ever listen to him? When he talked to Jesus about it, Jesus just said, “Maybe women can see through your bullshit using that intuition of theirs.” And that put god in a much more foul mood and he threw his shoe at Jesus, which missed and struck down a vase, but god spoke a word and it was back.
And while he was wondering about all that, Abraham was off on a trip to the south, to Gerar. There was a king there, Abimalech, who had not heard of Abraham nor his god, which is an odd thing, given the recent complete destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, but there you have it.
And, Abraham was once again concerned about his life, fearing someone would kill him over his wife. Abraham had begun to lose his marbles a bit, and still thought of his wife fondly as a twenty year old nubile female. She was as old as dust at this point, easily over 102 according to the canonical records. She wore a veil in public to hide her sagging wrinkles. She rode a large camel with opulent decorations on it. Her handmaidens told stories of her beauty or were fired.
So it became that a new prince arrived in Gerar, with a woman rumored to be of great beauty that was his sister, and Abimalech felt the urge to marry again. So Abimalech sent for Sarah to be brought to his house. Once in his house, he caught sight of her without her veil and immediately lost interest. These simple herders had the oddest ideas of beauty.
Abimalech meant to put Sarah back without doing anything, acting as if he had brought her merely for a gala dinner, but the lord god almighty got wind of this, as he had increased the staff assigned to watch his patriarchs and one of them felt it might be of interest.
Incredibly irate, god paced in Jesus’ room again. Jesus was tired of having to redo the cloud floor, filling in the beaten path god left every time. Now was not a good time to talk about that, though. Jesus watched god pace. God was too angry to even speak. Periodically he stopped, turned, red faced, and blustered a bit, then went back to pacing.
“Well, it worked out well for Abraham last time he tried it,” Jesus said.
“I punished him!” god exploded.
“You really didn’t. You punished Pharaoh. Abraham made out like a bandit.”
“Damn. You’re right. Well, we can’t make that mistake this time. I’ll go talk to this Abimalech character, I guess.”
So god went down and appeared to Abimalech in a dream. “Abimalech,” he said, “you are a dead man because you’ve taken a married woman.”
And Abimalech replied and said unto god, “Why would you kill a righteous man?”, because Abimalech had not actually heard about god, and thought it a reasonable question. “I did not know she was married.”
And god said unto him, “This is true. I kept you from taking her fully to save your life. Now, if you want to keep on living, you had better give her back to Abraham.”
Abimalech was a bit dumbfounded. Had this god made Sarah look old just to save him from death? How odd. “I’ll take care of it.”
God said, “Until you do, nobody will have any children in your kingdom. Get Abraham to pray for you and I will open everyone’s womb again.”
So Abimalech sent for Abraham, though Abimalech was pretty sure Abraham couldn’t pick his wife out of a lineup, and asked him, “Why would you do this to me?” Abimalech did not know anything about Abraham, either.
Abraham said, “I was worried you’d kill me over my wife, and it really isn’t a lie, because she’s my half sister.”
Abimalech was a bit more dumbfounded. “This is just beyond the pale. It isn’t done. I respect marriage. You would have nothing to fear. However, your god has punished me for a crime you committed. Now, please, make him open our women’s wombs.”
Abraham said, “I will implore him.”
Abimalech sent him off with gifts and told him to take any piece of land he liked. He also gave to Sarah a thousand pieces of silver, muttering under his breath, “This ought to show her.”
And the lord had made Sarah pregnant as he had promised, and she gave birth at the appointed time. To everyone’s surprise, she was able to breast feed the child. At his weening, Hagar’s kid started teasing him. Sarah got very upset about this and told Abraham, “Either that kid goes or I do.”
Abraham was concerned that Sarah might try something and break a hip, so he went to talk to god. God told him it was ok and to send the snot off.
So, Abraham took a loaf of bread and a flask of water and sent Hagar off. Hagar walked out, not knowing where to go. She had the promise of Abraham’s god, but now that there was this other kid, she had lost faith in that promise. She wondered what sort of god would tell his servant she could be let go with just a loaf of bread and a flask of water, to go out into the wilderness. She found a shade tree and set her kid down to die. She couldn’t bear to watch, so she went a few steps away and sat down, staring off into space.
The devil heard about it and was furious. The kid would die in a bit if nothing was done. The devil ran off to Jesus. “Jesus, you got to do something! Who is on the switchboard? Didn’t god promise this kid something?”
“Well, yeah,” Jesus said. “Great nation and all that. Heck, I guess we ought to do something.”
So they sent down Gabriel to find the kid again. Gabriel made a fountain of water for the kid and the devil killed a deer for food. This child, Ishmael, grew up strong, a great hunter, a good friend of the devil’s, although they kept it quiet to keep god from finding out. This promise of god’s, once kept, led to the creation of the Muslim faith, to be a thorn in the side of the Christians at a much later date, all because of a mixup.
And, while this was happening, god was busy following Abraham again, as he moved to Beer-sheba, where he made some sort of agreement with Abimalech that god wasn’t happy about, as Abimalech was a Philistine, one of a race that god intended to one day wipe from the face of the earth.
See, Abimalech was a nice guy, but some of his men had stolen a well from Abraham. Yup, it says, 'took by force,' in the ancient texts. It seems it'd be pretty easy to find it when you set about looking for it, and that's what Abraham did. Then he went to Abimalech, who was mightily worried about a visit from Abraham.
Abimalech begged Abraham to be nice to him and promise not to hurt him nor his sons. Abraham did so promise, but then made Abimalech sware that the well belonged to Abraham, and gave Abimalech seven ewes (female sheep for those of us who know what a Commodore 64 is (an ancient 8 bit computer for those of you who don't know what a Commodore 64 is)). Dunno why he did it, give the ewes, that is, but it seemed to convince Abimalech the well really belonged to Abraham, although Abimalech kept insisting he knew nothing of the heist of the well. Abimalech decided, finally, to shut up and take the sheep, promising not to never steal any more wells.
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