On the first day, God created the open faced sandwich and did eat of it and it was good. Then he created the closed-face sandwich and did eat of it and it, too, was good. Then God was all tuckered out and slept. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
On the second day, God awoke at noon having slept poorly and said unto Jesus, ‘fetch my slippers’, to which Jesus did reply ‘fetch yer own holy slippers’, to which God said, ‘verily, shalt thy attitude bite thee in the butt one day.”
And God was so angry he poured himself a drink and partook of the grumbling and complaining about kids these days until the wee hours of the morning, when the devil did say, ‘seriously, god, I gotta go to bed’, to which God said ‘I am the lord god almighty, you will sleep when I tell you to’, after which the devil was in open rebellion against god, for, verily, that night did he go to sleep rather than listen to this stuff any more. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
God was so angry he threw the devil out to this little horrid planet god was creating as a project to occupy his time, and to prove a new creature could completely follow his law, and, in following it, live a better life. The devil was very upset and rallied unto him all those who thought god was annoying and they did decide to set up a new, happy life on the planet onto which god had thrown the devil.
This displeased god, and he sat brooding by the fire with his drink. ‘Serves you right,’ Jesus said. God threw a shoe at Jesus who ducked it and so god cursed his name to be hung upon a tree and went to bed. And the evening and the morning were the third day.
And god woke up with a terrible hangover. Jesus came in unto him and said, ‘you are supposed to be creating a planet, aren’t you?’ And god said, ‘shut the blinds, turn off the light and go away, for the world can go fornicate itself,’ and it was so, for Jesus shut the blinds, turned off the lights, muttered something about a lazy, good for nothing wastrel and how maybe the devil was right, and god was sore wroth with Jesus but could do nothing because Jesus was his son, and, yea, verily, popular with the ladies. God wished there was something he could do about it, and fell asleep again dreaming of the ways he could rid himself of Jesus. And the scribes did render his words about the world as ‘be fruitful and multiply,’ a command unto all the denizens of the world he was supposed to be creating, a command he would come to regret. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
And god awoke on the fifth day in a panic, for the world was not created yet, not even half, yet the devil had already created a beautiful garden in the center of the world (that’s what the devil said, which was silly because the world was round and therefore had no center) and he and his friends were living it up there.
So god, filled with wrath, did create the fish and the birds, to drive the devil and his friends from the water and the air and into their caves, there to think about what they had done. Also, god, worried about what the scribes would write, told everyone the first few days were about creating light, separating water, making dry ground, and hanging the stars in the firmament or something like that. He hoped that by the time they finished looking up ‘firmament’ in the dictionary they’d forget to question his story. And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
And the devil, concerned that god was trying to ice his groove, did ornament the caves with drawings of a comedic nature about how god looked, which further enraged Jehovah, such that he determined to drive the devil relentlessly on the earth, and created the animals, particularly the bats and bears, and every living creature that dwelleth in a cave created he him.
And the devil was saddened, but not surprised, and he left the cave to be as an animal and thus hide from his new tormentors. And he chose the form of a snake because all the other animals were afraid of the snake.
And god was wroth with the devil once again, and went down to the garden where the devil dwelt as a snake, eating of the tree of life the devil and his friends had erected there, and formed out of the dust of the ground, man. And he breathed the breath of life into man, hoping the pageantry would impress the devil and his friends, how much more important this new man was then they were, but they just mocked him and said that a real god could just speak to create man.
And god had had enough, so he stomped off up to heaven, where he kicked his dog Gabriel and said unto Jesus ‘I have had quite enough from that devil, and now, verily, more and more people are going down there to be with the devil. What are you packing?’
And Jesus said unto god, ‘nothing,’ though he was clearly holding a ham sandwich and a bottle of champaign, which he did lovingly but hurriedly place into a wicker basket.
And god was sore wroth with everything and went to sleep. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
