Part 8: The interest of Zeus

Now Zeus was the fairest of the gods, a god of great stature, with an internal light that came from his purity of thought and life, or so the scribes he hired have written of him. He was a large god in form, not that any god could be considered small. Zeus strode with a purpose over the surface of Elysium, or sat regally on the throne of Zeus where he dispensed justice and wisdom to his fellow deities.

Now, Rah had followed his charges, the Serrun-D’La, to earth in the hopes of persuading them to not end up beached on Jehovah’s legendary anger. Rah was an odd one, with a bird face. Many have believed he was a deity of the Egyptians, but he was nothing of the sort; the Egyptians were confused and were following the tattered remnants of a much earlier religion, that of the confused Serrun-D’La.

When a new creation gets advanced enough to no longer believe in its gods, the gods lose influence in the world and must learn to leave them alone, a lesson Rah never learned. His charges settled earth long before the flood, even before Adam and Eve were chased out of the garden. Rah continued to try to convince them to leave earth. These are those the scribes speak of when they say that ‘in those days there were giants in the land’.

Zeus heard through Hades’ friend Hel that Lucifer, earth’s planetary prince, so dubbed by himself, with no contest so far, had been off to talk to the Allfather about this particular planet, something to do with the behavior of its plenipotentiary deity, one Jehovah of the Council of the Most High.

Rumors had it that there was at least one elder god on the planet as well, Atum. Drawn by parties thrown by Lucifer, dubbed the devil by Jehovah, who styled himself simply as god, Atum had taken up residence in the Nile Delta area and proceeded to drink himself into a stupor on a daily basis.

Now the Serrun-D’La were majestic, large and varied. Some of them bore heads similar to animals found on earth, so were considered monsters by those who saw them. The greatest of the Serrun-D’La, however, looked like a large man. Cronus was not a particularly evil man, er, person, although he held on to his rule with an iron fist. He’d killed his father to get the job, being a relatively young ruler.

So long had the Serrun-D’La existed they no longer believed in Rah. Further, they figured themselves the apex of creation, almost gods, and, lo, the worlds they strode on trembled at the striding. Yet when they witnessed the arrival of Zeus they felt threatened.

On the fourth day of the seventh month of the tenth year after the flood did Zeus descend to earth in the area known as Greece. Zeus arrived as befits the god of the sky, on a cloud with thunder and lightning and the light of the sun radiating from his person.

It was not possible for Cronus to ignore this. His racial memory allowed him to ignore Rah, who was just a silly beak-faced monster to scare the children, but nothing like this Zeus arrival had ever happened, and so obviously. Cronus would not allow it, not another enslaver like the Rah of the ancient scripts. Cronus was the god of this world and none would dare dispute it. Well, Jehovah had tried to dispute it, but the council of the most high was interested in this Rah subplot so denied his request to swab them cleanly off his planet. Besides, as the council wisely, er, snidely, pointed out, god had still not created anything at all on his pet planet when the Serrun-D'La had arrived.

Cronus gathered his council together and prepared for war. The council of his best and strongest warriors called themselves the Titans. “My fellow Titans,” Cronus said, “today we defend our freedom, our way of life, our very identity. Today we take the war to the gods themselves. We are the rulers of this world. We shall prevail. And, when we do, we shall be gods!”

Well, most of them were not titans of intellect, these Titans, or they might have spent a few minutes in meditation on the chances of defeating a god, but they were titans of emotion, titans of courage, and in possession of titanic egos, so with a thunderous roar, most of the Titans rose up and strode out to meet Zeus. They did not go as one, however; many of them stayed back, some fearful of Zeus and of attacking a god and some certain of Cronus’ eventual comeuppance. Some even stole away in secret to aid Zeus.

The battle was met in classic style, with the army of Cronus drawn up on the northern end of the Island of Crete, so chosen because there was little there in those days, it being shortly after the flood, and the army of Zeus drawn up on the southern end of the island.

The battle was joined and fiercely did they fight. Zeus led charge after charge against Cronus, while Cronus led charge after charge against Zeus. It seemed that a creature may triumph over a god and upset the natural order of things, as Zeus' fury was unable to put a dent in the Titans' resolve.

A relatively unknown Serrun-D’La, Gaia, approached Zeus one day after nearly ten years of fighting and timidly told him of the Serrun-D’La Cronus had locked up in the Underworld, a vast subterranean complex built by the Titans as a base on their rise to power. Zeus, accompanied by Gaia as a guide, went down there, killed the guard, and freed the prisoners, some truly frightful and gigantic monsters. They swore allegiance to Zeus and explained some of the deep magic of this world to him, allowing him full use of his powers, and gave him magical talismans from 'the god of this world', to give him power over lightning and thunder.

On ascending to the surface, Zeus led his army in a vicious charge straight at Cronus’ side, only to find Atlas, Cronus’ lieutenant, commanding the host of the Titans. Upset about this, they stalked about searching Cronus, finally finding him in his citadel at Tartarus, where Zeus and his new allies killed Cronus.

Today, many believe the Titans remain imprisoned in Tartarus, believing them to be as immortal as they believed themselves to be. However, in the collapsed and crumbling citadel, long since covered by a relentless planet, with both water and rock, rest nothing but bones of those who would challenge the gods.

Zeus was not a vindictive god, and raised many of the Serrun-D’La who stood with him to godhood on this planet, some of which remain Egyptian deities to this day, and many of whom reigned with him in Athens on Mount Olympus.

Part 7: Jehovah strikes back

And Jehovah did hear of the machinations of Lucifer and was sore wroth with him. There was plenty to be sore and wroth about, as the humans in his charge began to engage in all sorts of perversion out of sheer boredom. There being only eight of them on the ark, and all those animals, well, you know what humans can get up to after the fiftieth day with no beer and no TV.

So Jehovah resolved that day to dry the earth up and set about doing so, syphoning water off to form a new comet dubbed Haley’s that the Lord himself set in orbit as a warning that he could easily flood the earth again every seventy-five years or so.

He beached the Ark on a cleft in a mountain, angry as he was with the humans, and made them walk down the mountainside. Arrarat was the most treacherous mountain he could find that would not actually kill his humans, and he had to send angels to make sure they were safe, but it made him feel better. The animals faired worse, and he had to recreate some species, which made him angry again.

So annoyed was he with the whole thing that he told Noah he’d probably never destroy the earth with water again, which the scribes took down as a promise from the most high god that he would never flood the earth with a total flood again.

I’m glossing over the whole sending of the birds substory and the discussion of the number of animals, either two or seven, that absorb theologians with too much time on their hands, as these discussions will never be resolved and are completely irrelevant anyway, as the majority of animals saved were in limbo and most of the other ones had to be recreated as their carcasses lay broken in some crevasse on Mount Arrarat. In other words, whether god told Noah to take in animals by sevens, twos, sixty-fours or whatever, the precious few that survived the trip were unable to sit down for weeks anyway.

As for the birds Noah supposedly released to find land, that was Noah’s wife’s idea. She was tired of being in the stupid boat and kept pestering Noah to try to find out from god how long the trip would last. Noah figured, correctly, that god would take that about as well as a parent does on the fifteenth hour of a car trip, so refused. As a compromise, he periodically threw birds out of the ark, most of which never came back at all, not meaning there was land, but rather that birds are pretty dumb and will often end up dead trying to figure out how to get back to the only dry spot in the whole world.

Well, one bird came back with an olive branch, and much has been made of this. The problem is, of course, that no olive tree could have grown in such a short time to where it was in bloom, which has led scholars of a less than righteous bent to suggest that just maybe the flood was local rather than global, but the truth is that the olive branch came from some flotsam still floating about, and it only looked like it was blooming.

Anyway, let's place those pointless digressions behind us and pick up the story again. God knew nothing of the nature of the trip the devil had made to Valhalla, only that he had gone away for a while and now Odin had opened up shop on a far continent on earth. Odin was not aligned with the council of the most high so god had no way to force him to leave. The council expressed its regret to him about that. God feared his title of most high god was in jeopardy on this planet.

God called his personal posse together; Jesus and Gabriel and his most trusted angels showed up. Even though they were his most trusted angels, they kind of hung back, worried about what god was going to do now. Jesus muttered under his breath that he’d rather be washing his hair. Gabriel licked Jesus' hand.

“Ok, I called you here to tell you my grand plan for earth. Each of you has a part to play in this plan. The plan I have made allows for redemption of mankind and return to the good graces of the hosts of heaven. Oh, yeah, that’s what man will refer to our little council here. You are in on the ground level on this project. We will go far.

“Man has sinned by disobeying my law. We have to convince mankind to not befriend the devil again. This world must not get out of our control. We have to plan firmly for a future where man feels the need to follow us.

“I have spent a lot of time thinking on this and I think I have the answer. We had the germ of the idea when we had man up in the mountains, but we didn’t give them the things they wanted, steady meals and wealth. We need to give them these things with the condition that if they wish to keep getting them they need to obey god’s law. We’ll explain that it is in their best interest to stay close to us in order to achieve rebirth in the heavenly host.

“Any questions? No? Very well. I’ve printed out some talking points. Mainly, we’d like to punch up the idea that this is a covenant between god and man, to get the contract angle. We think the humans will agree to hold up their side when we convince them they wouldn’t be here were it not for our beneficence. Also, of course, they have to follow the covenant in order to make it to heaven. We need to weigh in heavily on the three points of the covenant angle.

“One, that the human has violated god’s law through Adam and their tendency will be to violate god’s law continually.

“Two, that the human owes his existence entirely to us through the miracle of creation and that divine law is the best way, as we would know best.

“Three, that the covenant keepers will be the only ones allowed into heaven. We want to stress that you have to keep the whole covenant as established.

“To this end, we will be establishing a priesthood and recruiting prophets. We don’t want to create a system where intelligent people run things because they are in the habit of engaging in blasphemy. We need to make sure they get marginalized, so we need to create a culture of faith, simple belief. We make it a positive moral attribute to have simple faith, showing the man of faith as a strong man of deeply rooted beliefs.

“So, unless there are any questions, I want each of us to come back here with some new ideas about how to elaborate this and what parts of the project you want to shepherd personally. I guess that’s it.”

As the others filed out, god took Jesus aside and said unto him, “I’m really trying to make this work. You know every battle the devil wins reflects badly on both of us. I think this meeting went well and is just the start of something great.”

Jesus answered and said unto him, “I don’t think the devil thinks he’s battling you. I think he’s just trying to have fun and you’re being a bit of an asshole.”

And god was wroth, but he needed the help of Jesus, so he held his temper, only saying, “You shall see. The devil truly is evil and his ways are wily. He shows you a good time, but the end thereof is destruction.”

And Jesus, shaking his head, did say, “The only destruction at the end is rained down by you, not a natural thing. There is no magic in your law.”

And god, sensing trouble, said unto Jesus, “It’s not just our law, it’s the law of the council of the most high. Do you dare to challenge them? These wise ancients have lived far longer than us.”

At that, Jesus did drop it and walked out, although he knew for a certainty that the council of the most high had never ratified god's law.

Part 6: What Loke Said

Now, Loke was a minor deity in Valhalla. Loke had a bad reputation for being unruly, a bit of a prankster, and generally uncool, which was exactly the sort of person the devil avoided, but he was also the sort of person god hated.

The devil found Loke dodging Thor. Loke had a joke he liked. He’d walk in and ask Thor, “What is your name?”

Thor would answer “I’m Thor!” with his characteristic panache and enthusiasm.

Loke would answer “I’m Thorry!” and Thor would throw something at him, in this case, repeatedly throw something at him, multiple lightning bolts from his hammer.

“Hey, Lucifer!” Loke yelled from his current hiding place, a large stone on a mountain in Valhalla.

“Hey, Loke. I got a problem.” The devil ambled over, dodging a lightning bolt. “Thor, lay off him for a bit; I have to talk to him.”

Thor huffed and went off to find Sif to complain.

The devil waited until Thor had left earshot. “As I said, I’ve got a problem. This Jehovah has declared himself most high over earth, this tinpot planet he’s made. I don’t know why I care, but it is pissing me off. He thinks he’s banished me there. I am no longer able to access heaven, but I can enter the counsel of the most high as per treaty. And, of course, I can go to pretty much any other polity, so here I am. As I said, we have to do something about this Jehovah.”

“Jehovah? Who is that? I thought that planet was under the counsel of the most high? How did Jehovah get control of it?”

“Well, you know the most high. They are far more interested in golf than in anything else. He’s gotten permission to pretty much run the whole show. I really think they’re phoning it in these days. That’s why I’m here.”

“Why not consult the elder gods? Wouldn’t Rah or Atum be interested in this?”

“Ra has his hands full with the Serrun-D’La right now. Rumor has it that they are thinking about a colony on earth, but have not made any moves yet. Atum, as you know, is a complete playboy and can’t be roused for anything. He swings by earth a lot for the parties.”

“Yeah, you always throw the greatest parties, with the best minds and the finest conversation available. What happened?”

“Jehovah drowned the damn world!” The devil looked away, a hard, distant look settling on his visage.

“Drowned the world? How is that even possible?”

“Well, he let loose all the water he could find on earth, then he hit it with a comet. There were exactly eight survivors, not counting the animals Jehovah felt needed saving. They’re still tossing around down there on the high seas, over the mountaintops.”

Loke let out a low whistle. “Yeah, I see what you mean. Even in his worst rages, Thor would never drown an entire world, and certainly not for partying. I must speak to Odin about this. The Allfather may know what to do. Certainly the halls of Valhalla will be interested, even if there’s nothing that can be done.”

“Ok,” Jesus said. “But first I must seek out Hel and see if she can spring my friends from Gehenna.”

The night arrived, and, with it, the perpetual party of the halls of Valhalla was called to disorder. Odin, the Allfather, master of Valhalla assumed the place of honor at the head of the table, dodging an errant axe sent sizzling by some young punk. Odin was old enough that the carousing and fighting didn’t interest him much. He was interested in the eating and the dancing wenches.

Lucifer entered the great hall a bit after Loke, and his presence ate into the noise like a flame into styrofoam. As he strode into the room, pockets of chaos once seeing him fell silent like a fish falls on a butcher block, with a sort of audible whump caused by a dozen or so warrior mouths shutting at once, with the clatter of trenchers struck by discarded meat and the thunk and slosh of hastily settled tankards.

Lucifer was always quite the sight. Created by Jehovah himself as an earlier creation, Lucifer was not a god. He was a massive majestic angel of such intense beauty that even the manliest, straightest of the halls of Valhalla couldn’t help but shift themselves in their seats a little to relieve the pressure of their rising tumescence.

He carried himself proudly but not arrogantly. He also carried a majestic pair of wings attached to his back. These wings were the source of his power, being an angel. As per the Treaty of Titus, he was allowed to retain his power if he promised to never foul the presence of God’s house again. Now he was using every ounce of energy he had to be the being of intense light he was, with a radiance that would cause a mere mortal to pee himself but merely annoyed the residents of the halls of Valhalla.

However, without a doubt, he had successfully gotten everyone’s attention in Valhalla, a feat not to ever be matched until Ragnarok. Silence fell like some sort of massive ancient cloak of silence or maybe a heavy blanket. Lucifer found himself in an open place and so stopped, turned to Odin and demanded in a loud voice, “Odin, great Allfather, Lucifer, prince of earth, demands an audience!”

“Ah heck,” Odin muttered to himself. Being the Allfather sucked. Lesser deities constantly demanded his time and this nut wasn’t even a deity, and Odin knew for a fact that his claim to be prince of the spit ball of a planet called earth was tenuous at best, but he also knew Lucifer had to claim to be someone to be granted an audience. Of course, the presence of Loki just made things that much more complicated as Loki complicated nearly everything. Was that the delightful child Hel standing behind Lucifer? Well, maybe this was worth pursuing if Hel was involved.

Odin waved a hand, pitching his voice just loud enough to be heard in the entire hall, which was still silent as a tomb, “granted.” Then he went back to his meal, gesturing at the dancing girls to be about it again.

Lucifer strode out of Valhalla, truly disgusted with the place. The next day, Odin rose at the crack of noon as was his wont and met with Lucifer, Hel, Loke and Thor and began to plan the downfall of Jehovah.