Mankind grew from the single seed of Adam, planted in the fertile valley of Eve, for lo, did Eve never lose her girlish figure and Adam didn’t have anything else to do, TV not having been invented yet. So, for the days of his life, which numbered a pile more than we are allowed to live, Adam toiled in the soil and plowed his wife, such that when he died, a ripe old man, he left a thriving race of humans, yea, unto the third and fourth generation.
When Adam died, he passed on the patriarchy to Seth. As time went on, Seth died, and was followed in turn by Enosh, Kenan, Mahalalel and Jared. By the time of Jared, the patriarchs had become tyrants.
It all started with Adam, who had seen one of his kids die at the hands of the other. Adam set out to ensure nobody else had to die needlessly, so enforced god’s law with an iron fist. God, for his part, became convinced Adam finally got it, and began spending more time golfing, only pausing to check the latest sacrifice tallies.
The people were becoming weary of the morning, noon and night sacrifices, extra portions on Saturday, as it added up in a hurry, and, despite their best efforts, their sheep flocks simply were not reproducing fast enough. Some of them resorted to offering parts of a sheep instead of a whole one, some were offering fruits and vegetables as did Cain and some were simply only offering once, at eventime, as did the ancients according to the scrolls.
A certain portion of the population got tired of the whole thing and went off to start their own little community. These people felt that life should be an enjoyable thing, filled with comely women, enough mutton (they still did not know you could eat anything else) and enough wine, something the devil had recently shown them, a thing that lowered their cholesterol and made them jovial and mirthful rather than severe and studious as god required.
God was really, really pissed with these people, because his followers up on the hill looked down in the valley and felt like the bastard stepsister, the one not invited to the party because she is plain and tall, or, if you like, the geeky cousin who is always spilling food and drink everywhere when he’s not talking in that whiny, nasally voice of his. Secretly, god felt this way, too, because, lo, over there was the devil and the fun people, laughing it up and having a ball and god was not able to go over there because of his pride. He wasn’t even able to admit to himself he wanted to, and threw a shoe at Gabriel, who went off to talk to Jesus.
And the new community cast about for how to organize its daily activities and found precious stones that were pretty and that the women liked to put in their hair, and the men found the women were happier with the pretty stones than without, so began to barter for them, so the rudimentary capitalistic economy blossomed, and there was full employment and everyone had plenty to eat and didn’t have to work all day long unless they wanted to.
And this really pissed god off. God went down to a new patriarch, Enoch, and said unto Enoch that the evil in the valley would not be countenanced and that those who engaged in it were to be shunned and that Enoch should go down there and tell them that.
Enoch was a good man in god’s eyes, and he went down to the valley and told them they were evil, and they, in a specially mirthful way with wine, laughed at him. Enoch was beside himself with fury. Here he had come with a message from the most high god that these brutes should clean up their act and fly right and they had merely laughed at him.
God was very angry with the people in the valley as well, and took pity on Enoch, who was now the laughing stock of everyone in the valley, so brought Enoch up to heaven for just a little bit, until he got back on his feet, but Enoch moved into the guest house and hasn’t left yet, claiming he’s just not ready.
Jesus was very upset about this because now Jesus couldn’t have girls over into the guest house without first kicking Enoch out and Enoch kept telling god on Jesus, and Jesus was tired of the lectures about settling down. So jesus began thinking about moving out.
