And god awoke on the seventh day to see down on his world that, verily, his new man, ‘Adam’, was dancing and cavorting with the comelier of the angelfolk that had gone down to the planet with the devil. And god was very mad with this, so mad he could not think straight, so he set to drinking in earnest. Then he slept, after sternly telling the scribes he was ‘exhausted from the draining process of creation.’ They dutifully wrote it down, and, to this day, many of the race known as man still keep every seventh day in honor of god’s sloth.
And, on the eighth day, god decided on what to do, and went down unto the planet and created woman and gave her the jealousy and the ability to make man do her bidding, and thus put an end to the cavorting with the more comely angelfolk. The devil, who was still a snake, was annoyed with god because Adam told the best stories and was such a nice guy.
So the devil decided to take control of the situation. In the midst of the garden stood the tree of knowledge of good and evil, whose fruits imparted to the eater the ability to see clearly who was the more good and who was the more evil. God thought the tree abominable because it always showed god in an unflattering light and god was good, as all the scribes had written, so god had forbidden Adam to eat of the tree of knowledge.
Well, god told Adam he’d created Eve out of Adam’s rib to make Adam think he somehow had to hang around and protect Eve. Adam did so. Adam began to be fond of Eve.
One day, the serpent met Eve in the garden. The serpent was the new name for the devil because his snake body was much larger than normal. The serpent said to Eve, ‘eat of the tree of knowledge, why not?’
And Eve said that god told them not to because ‘in the day we eat of it, we shall surely die.’ And the devil said, ‘that’s a bunch of hooey. My cohorts and myself eat of it all the time, and it opens our eyes and allows us to discern who’s good and who’s evil. It makes us like gods in that regard.’
And Eve thought a bit, and wanted to be like gods, so she took the fruit and ate it, and immediately saw the goodness radiating out of the serpent, and how he looked at Eve with a benign and concerned look.
‘I must tell Adam!’ Eve exclaimed, and was off. When Adam heard, he was heartbroken. This creature that he loved, made out of his rib, was to die that very same day. So filled with love and passion and heartbreak, and so distraught at the thought of living without Eve was he that he said, ‘give me a piece of that damn fruit,’ and ate it.
Immediately, Adam saw truly. He saw the fruit was harmless, that his wife was only mildly evil, that his dog was purely good. Adam also saw he was totally naked, for the first time. He also saw that his wife was totally naked, which gave him some ideas.
At that time, the lord god entered the garden, calling ‘Adam, Adam, where are you?’ And Adam and Eve had to run behind a bush. God said ‘Adam, why have you hidden yourself?’ And Adam said, ‘Because we were naked and getting it on and we wanted some privacy.’
And the lord said, ‘How do you know you are naked? You must have eaten the fruit.’ And adam said, ‘It’s pretty obvious we’re naked.’ And the lord answered him and said, ‘Then why have you never noticed it before?’
And the lord was sore wroth with Adam and said unto him, ‘I’m only going to ask one more time: did you eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil or did you not?’
And Adam said, ‘Well, I did. The wife brought me some and it was delicious.’ And the lord said, ‘Don’t try to blame this on the woman; you are the one who should know better. Don’t you remember me telling you that tree was poisonous and you would die if you ate from it?’
And Adam said, ‘But we didn’t die and it wasn’t poisonous. You lied to us and told us we would die, but we didn’t. Instead, we are become as gods, knowing good from evil.’ And the lord said, ‘That wasn’t the point, Adam. You should have trusted me. Man wasn’t created to know good from evil; he was created as a companion to god himself.’
And Adam was wroth with god and called him a self-centered idiot and left, saying, ‘Come, Eve, let’s go talk with that serpent again. Maybe he knows something god doesn’t.’
And god became even more angry, so angry he had to lie down for a bit. Then he did yell at Jesus and say unto him, ‘This is all your fault. If you were not so passive-aggressive around me, I’d have a clearer head to deal with these creatures.’
And god took counsel with the most high to determine what it was that should be done, and many of the most high listened earnestly and responded almost as one, to wit that Adam and Eve had, indeed, become as gods, knowing good from evil, and, unfortunately, this ability left them open to temptation from the devil, so they must be thrown out of the devil’s little garden as punishment and to keep them from eating further of the trees, both of knowledge and of life, so that the knowledge might be lost with the death of Adam. In this way, they hoped to fulfill god’s threat that Adam would die poisoned, metaphorically, in the mind such that he could not be suffered at the table of righteousness anymore.
As god was explaining this to Adam, Adam did cry ‘bullshit’ loudly, so god, in a fit of anger had his strongest angel drive Adam out of the garden, and Eve with him, and that angel stood at the entrance to the garden with his lightsaber lit in case Adam tried to enter again.
And the devil took pity on Adam and did sneak out of the garden to show Adam how to make fire and how to till the ground. And the devil said that the curse of god was that Adam would gain his sustenance by the sweat of his brow and that Eve would be in pain in childbirth, which was going to happen anyway because god made her hips way too narrow, but not to worry because something like it had happened already to the devil, and, with work, Adam could defy the curse and make mankind have a decent life. The day would come, the devil said, when mankind would have no more need of god.
And god was sore wroth with the devil when he heard of it, for at every move the devil insisted on out thinking him, who was the almighty god, ruler of the universe. And Jesus was in a bit of a mood, having been yelled at far too often. God was annoyed with everyone, including Adam, but he felt he must convince Adam of his rightness or all was lost.
So, he hatched a plan. He sent Gabriel to tell Adam the plan. If Adam followed everything god said, Adam could be saved, after death, to enter into god's heaven to replace the host of angels who had followed Lucifer out of heaven. Adam, for his part wondered if heaven really was so wonderful if Lucifer and nearly a third of god's angels thought it better to subsist on earth than live in glory in heaven.
And God, listening through Gabriel, his familiar, called down from heaven to Adam and said unto him, ‘shut up, just shut up!’
