And Rebekah went in unto her husband after they were married and did say unto him, "What the hell? Why art thou so mangled?"
And Isaac turned and said unto her, "Behold, it is a long story."
God had been up in heaven, talking with anyone who would pretend to listen, trying to get a good idea of a ritual that would forever bind his people to him in an irreversible way.
He walked into Jesus' room and asked him what would be a good idea for such a ritual, something that would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that man cared for his god.
"Have them cut their dicks off," Jesus said, being in a spiteful mood and hoping to shock god into bothering someone else.
"That wouldn't work because then they couldn't have any children," god patiently explained, failing entirely to take the hint.
"But you're god and you can impregnate them magically, can't you?" asked Jesus.
God suffered a pang of anxiety because he kept forgetting to do that very thing with Sarah. This is a flashback you remember.
God started pacing to clear his head and, with an act of will, put the whole Rebekah thing out of his mind. "I don't really know if they'd do it, though," he said.
"Look, lots of close followers of various gods do it," Jesus said. "That Rah guy talked people into doing it and he's certainly not as great as you, is he?" Jesus was now needling god for his own personal entertainment.
"That would mean the patriarch line would end in a very symbolic way as any child would be by me and not by his father, and the whole patriarch line is important to the narrative I'm building," god said.
"Well, that's not working anyway, is it?" Jesus shot back. "Abram, excuse me, Abraham and Sarai don't have any kids despite trying with great ardor."
God fumed and paced some more. Suddenly, he turned and snapped his fingers. "You've nearly got a good idea!" he enthused. "What is needed is to get them to cut off only part of their dicks!"
God practically ran out of the room to set up the requirement with Abraham that all the males should cut off their foreskins. Remember, there were no painkillers or even sharp knives at this point in history, so this idea was met with a large amount of consternation by the males of the line of promise, but, remembering the judgements handed down from the most high for the simplest of transgressions, they obliged. On his way out, he remembered that he was supposed to be clearing up Sarah's pipes.
Jesus, for his part, fell farther into a dark mood as he realized what his offhand comment had caused. Riddled with guilt, he took up drinking in earnest.
We rejoin Rebekah's and Isaac's conversation still in progress.
"You have to be kidding, right? Why would god care what your dick looks like? What purpose could it serve?" Rebekah asked, aghast.
Isaac looked around the room as if expecting an angel to pop out of thin air. "Hey, be careful what you say. We do what god says and he blesses us, but if we don't do what he says, he creates the most inventive and terrible punishments. We have to do what he says!" Isaac said, his voice tinged with hysteria. Looking as kindly as he could into her eyes, he said "God has given us all this wealth. God has promised us we will own the earth. God says we cut part of our dicks off, we do it!"
"God hasn't given me a child," Rebekah muttered, immediately regretting it when she saw the look of concern on Isaac's face.
And Isaac turned and said unto her, "Behold, it is a long story."
God had been up in heaven, talking with anyone who would pretend to listen, trying to get a good idea of a ritual that would forever bind his people to him in an irreversible way.
He walked into Jesus' room and asked him what would be a good idea for such a ritual, something that would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that man cared for his god.
"Have them cut their dicks off," Jesus said, being in a spiteful mood and hoping to shock god into bothering someone else.
"That wouldn't work because then they couldn't have any children," god patiently explained, failing entirely to take the hint.
"But you're god and you can impregnate them magically, can't you?" asked Jesus.
God suffered a pang of anxiety because he kept forgetting to do that very thing with Sarah. This is a flashback you remember.
God started pacing to clear his head and, with an act of will, put the whole Rebekah thing out of his mind. "I don't really know if they'd do it, though," he said.
"Look, lots of close followers of various gods do it," Jesus said. "That Rah guy talked people into doing it and he's certainly not as great as you, is he?" Jesus was now needling god for his own personal entertainment.
"That would mean the patriarch line would end in a very symbolic way as any child would be by me and not by his father, and the whole patriarch line is important to the narrative I'm building," god said.
"Well, that's not working anyway, is it?" Jesus shot back. "Abram, excuse me, Abraham and Sarai don't have any kids despite trying with great ardor."
God fumed and paced some more. Suddenly, he turned and snapped his fingers. "You've nearly got a good idea!" he enthused. "What is needed is to get them to cut off only part of their dicks!"
God practically ran out of the room to set up the requirement with Abraham that all the males should cut off their foreskins. Remember, there were no painkillers or even sharp knives at this point in history, so this idea was met with a large amount of consternation by the males of the line of promise, but, remembering the judgements handed down from the most high for the simplest of transgressions, they obliged. On his way out, he remembered that he was supposed to be clearing up Sarah's pipes.
Jesus, for his part, fell farther into a dark mood as he realized what his offhand comment had caused. Riddled with guilt, he took up drinking in earnest.
We rejoin Rebekah's and Isaac's conversation still in progress.
"You have to be kidding, right? Why would god care what your dick looks like? What purpose could it serve?" Rebekah asked, aghast.
Isaac looked around the room as if expecting an angel to pop out of thin air. "Hey, be careful what you say. We do what god says and he blesses us, but if we don't do what he says, he creates the most inventive and terrible punishments. We have to do what he says!" Isaac said, his voice tinged with hysteria. Looking as kindly as he could into her eyes, he said "God has given us all this wealth. God has promised us we will own the earth. God says we cut part of our dicks off, we do it!"
"God hasn't given me a child," Rebekah muttered, immediately regretting it when she saw the look of concern on Isaac's face.
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